Bellini: Good morning Kezia!
Kezia: God I hate you kids sometimes.
Bellini: You think I'm here 'cos I like you? Cos I wanna spend time with you? Get wrecked.
The other family members are in the main house, having a lovely time.
Pepsi: If this was my legacy I'd be real disappointed.
Aperol: We are your legacy...aren't we?
Sprite: Shut up grandma you smell like ass.
Rivella: You kids better not have taken all the pancakes!
Onyx is outside, still ill, and Sangria is asleep.
Sprite: Right, so I can catch her talking shit if I hide that recording device in the locker room-
Bellini: I really don't care, you still owe me $10 for it.
Sprite: Family and friends discount?
Bellini: You're not my friend, dude.
Rivella: That's my girls.
Aperol: Er...these pancakes smell amazing, Mum!
Rivella: Nobody likes a suck-up, Aperol.
Rivella: So they're still hiring folks one day from retirement, huh?
Rachelle: I'm newly qualified.
Onyx: Took you long enough.
Kasey: Oh, boy, Rocco, I see my ex-
Rocco: Hardly. Don't you run out of here, I've still got worms!
Kasey: Haven't forgiven me for finding a lady, huh? Well Erin is-
Rocco: No, I just want to be dewormed!
Bill: Ah, hello again Miss Rivella. As beautiful as ever, I see.
Rivella: I'm staying single, you're eighty, don't even bother.
Onyx: *snore*
Rivella: Ah, I've had many a night the same, though I suppose I will leave that all behind when I become an adult-
What are you talking about? You got pregnant right after becoming a YA and have barely been out since.
Rivella:...I can imagine other paths.
After Onyx had his street nap, he immediately went into the bushes and got sprayed by a skunk. This cat is a little shit and a disaster.
Onyx: Heeeeeeh.
Aperol: All I've done is clean up after my sisters...no chess, no books, no nothing.
Sprite: No personality!
Bellini: How am I the happiest out of us three?
Aperol: That kid Blake followed me home.
Sprite: You're an idiot-
Bellini: Shush it's funnier this way!
Aperol: What are you two babbling about? Just get in the house!
Kezia: Huh, these freaks managed to get a classmate home.
Blake: I'm just taking a chance-
Kezia: Terrible choice. You made one when you picked out that ring.
Blake: I was trying something and it didn't work, sue me!
Aperol: Wanna play some chess?
Blake: Sigh, let's see how well this goes, Blake.
Aperol:...Why are you referring to yourself in third person?
Blake: Ugh, that cat smells terrible! Can't he leave?
Aperol: He is my mother's favourite child, an uncontrollable trashboi and he will do as he pleases.
Brad: What, I don't live here. Daughter? What daughter?
Bellini: Am I taking swimming breaks to pretend I'm in the ocean? Yeah. Am I still the person getting the most work done? Probably also yeah.
Sprite: Screw this homework! I must plant a fake diary entry! Today did not go well at all!
Bellini's probably right.
Sprite: And I want that $10 back! Incognito device my ass!
Aperol: *sigh* I should probably at least try with them...hey Sprite, need any help with your little plots?
Sprite: If you want to help me, get better at feigning interest, dumbass!
Aperol: So you're grouchy. A little food did wonders for me, I'm sure it'll help you!
Sprite: I despise you.
Aperol: Also touchy, huh?
Sprite: Die, like Mackenzie's reputation tomorrow!
Gin-Fizz is a grumpy pregnant lady.
Gin-Fizz: Grenadine can kiss my ass. 'Just a little nausea in the morning', as if!
Grena is exactly the type to have an annoyingly easy pregnancy.
Meanwhile...
Pepsi: Having recovered from the death of my paramour...I must say, you do look beautiful.
Amiyah: You're not so bad yourself, even if you're on death's door!
Raul: I'm hearing threesome?
Amiyah: Wha - no! Go away!
Pepsi: Yeah, go to your wedding or whatever.
Raul: Ooh, how'd you know?
Austen: Well hello sweetheart.
Amiyah: Oh, you charmer you!
Pepsi: Really, you're falling for that one?
Austen: Now don't get jealous here, grandma!
Pepsi: Excuse me, I'll have you know I'm not - that old. I'm a grandma tho. Of six.
Sangria: Oh dolly, what big feet you have!
This is what she's been doing all day. Just vibing.
Sangria: And definitely not looking out that window!
Check the screenshot before last...
Sangria: This family is...what was that word Appy used? Trauma-tising.
Rivella: Wow, Gin-Fizz, you look so good for second trimester-
Gin-Fizz: You know full-well I'm in my first!
Rivella:...Oh, how silly, dearie me-
Gin-Fizz: Shut the hell up.
Aperol: Well I'm not getting involved.
Sprite: Who asked you to?
Rivella: She's so mean...I'm so proud. I was worried before, but-
Gin-Fizz: You raised me nearly half my life. How am I alive? And functional.
Aperol: Don't jump to conclusions, auntie.
Sprite: Do you wanna talk about my plots, Auntie Gin-Fizz?
Gin-Fizz:...Sure. I see why you two are proud.
Rivella: How can I not be? She's got a brilliant mind like her mother - don't say a thing.
Kezia: We weren't going to.
Justin: I have to tell my son the truth. It's all I have left.
Fine, he's old enough. He's just upstairs.
Justin: That's where I'm going?! God how is he alive with you as a Watcher?
This is the computer, Justin.
Justin: Well...I have to get my thoughts out. 'Dear Aperol-'
You're playing Blicblock.
Justin: Don't judge me it's a hard conversation to start!
Justin: Gaming clears the mind.
Rivella: It's 2am! Get out and go to hell!
Justin: I'll see you there in thirty years then, bitch!
Rivella: How old do you think-
(Almost forty).
Berry: Excellent, a real meaaaaallll....something is wrong.
He's cleaning now...ok.
Justin: I hate Rivella but the boy showers too, and I don't want him to join me just yet.
How confusing. You are a nice ghost sometimes I guess, Justin.
Rivella: Lol you got a bowlful of boob in your salad.
Kezia: Does nothing phase you?
Rivella: We've known each other nearly twenty years, you should know the answer.
Sangria: These are just Mum's notes about 'Berry'.
Kezia: It's a good story though, let's keep going.
Sangria: Hahaha. No thanks.
Kezia: Don't you wanna hear about death, little San?
Sangria: No thanks.
Sangria: Granny. You're the oldest in the family. Please tell me what the heck is wrong with these people?
Pepsi: I wish I could, dear. Just keep your head down and hang in there.
Sangria: I want Auntie Grena.
Pepsi: Oh lord, your mother won't like that.
Sangria: I want Auntie Grena.
Rivella: We're gonna pretend you didn't say that, my sweet little San.
Sangria: I mean it's not personal-
Rivella: Hahahaha...seems pretty personal!
Sangria: ...Oh dear she's doing that laughing thing again.
Rivella: See? We have fun. We don't need her.
Sangria: Save it Mum, I know you kill people.
Rivella: Not THAT many -- I mean, dammit Kezia, stop telling my children such tall tales!
Sangria: Kezia's not one for imagination, Mother. I'm not stupid.
Aperol: Don't expect me to deal with this again.
...Again?
Sprite: mmmrfhhff don't need your help!
Bellini: Get her away from me.
Aperol: What'd I just say?
The two eldest got As. I don't know how any of these fools do well at school, but they do.
Sangria: Uh, can you not watch me use the bathroom, you pervert?
Johnny: Whoa, no way. I'm just thinking of pranking Bellini. Imagine how mad she'd be if the school thought this was her bedroom.
Sangria: I don't care! Get out or I'll scream.
Gin-Fizz: Ooh, looks like someone's got a little boyfriend over.
Bellini: Didn't you used to be our cool aunt? Stop being so aggressively heteronormative!
Rivella: Hope you two won't turn soft like your little sister.
Bellini: Do I look like-
Sprite: Of course not. I'm currently listing every known weakness of my classmates so I can take over-
Rivella: Alright, alright, but you need to do your homework too. I'm not raising idiots.
Both girls, in unison: You're raising her.
Rivella: Oh, I'm proud.
Diane: White people...
Kezia: SHUT UP YOUR LAST NAME IS BAUMGARTNER - ahhhhh that's hot!
We're at Planet Honey Pop, one of the karaoke bars, for this week's unique lot visit.
Aperol: Uh...hey Kristine, why are you here, you're still a child-
Kristine: We can still hang out!
Rieko: Lol, of course Rivella's kid is nonce-y.
Aperol: I'M NOT-
Johnny: Hey there sweet stuff.
Maricela: Go for someone your own height, bucko.
Bellini: Lol sorry about that. Thought it would be a funny and wholesome prank to invite her, tell her tonight's the night.
Aperol: You're not sorry, are you?
Bellini:...Hell no.
Wow this bartender is fabulous.
Hawea: Pipe down fives, a ten is speaking...seriously, shut up you peasants.
Kezia: Woooow, with an attitude like that I can't think why this place isn't busier.
Johnny: Who're you calling peasant?
Gin-Fizz:...Can I at least have some more chips?
Pepsi: You've got good taste in hair, wanna hook up?
Pepsi don't harass the employees.
Masami: Oh, I don't work here.
Pepsi: Well did you puke here?
Masami: No.
Masami: Oh..I think I see that light. Take me now, Grim.
Pepsi: Would hooking up with me have been that bad? You chose death?
Sprite: Just heard a thump from the bathroom Grandma's in.
Rivella: Well we know what that means!
Do you?
Sprite: Oh shit, why do I need the loo now!
Rivella: Lol good luck.
Bellini: One bottle!
Hawea: No.
Bellini: One!
Hawea: I'm not giving you surface cleaner to pour in that blond kid's juice box!
Damien: Any of you seen my mother? She's old, in a yellow dress...said she was going to the bathroom. I haven't seen her since.
Kezia: Oh, Cola was in that bathroom too.
Gin-Fizz: We know what that means!
Damien: I mean I should find her but you two are hot!
Kezia: I know.
Gin-Fizz: Don't try.
Pepsi: Can you hurry up, I wanna piss now.
Grim Reaper: Sorry, just texting my buddy. Dead on the bathroom floor of a shitty bar, next to a dirty toilet, with the town whore as her only witness. Priceless!
Soon after, people flocked to the scene.
Kezia, behind the wall: Uh yeah, someone's dead in here, just use the men's.
Gin-Fizz: *nervous laughter* I...have bad news about your mother, young man.
Damien: Well, there is inheritance.
Bellini: That's cold.
Sprite: I bet an Instagram of this would get me so much clout.
Bellini:...That's colder.
Bellini tapped out to talk to a certain someone.
Bellini: So yeah, I was gonna put surface cleaner in your drink.
Johnny: Wow that's fucking terrifying...
Bellini: Take me or leave me dude.
Johnny: Is that a challenge? Cos I'm going nowhere.
Bellini: Oh. Great.
Johnny: Do your worst, Bell-Bell. I'm like an oil stain on your life.
Bellini: Do you think that's a positive?
Johnny: I'll make it one.
Rivella: Well. That's our death itch scratched.
Kezia: Our what now?
Rivella: Death itch! It's been a long time. Y'know, when you just need to see some life-force drain out of a-
Kezia: As your closest friend, I should tell you that's not a normal thing and you shouldn't bring it up in public.
Sprite: Who locked the door, I need that Instagram!
Aperol: Grim. It's good to see you.
Grim: That's not normally the reaction I get. You take after your mother, I assume?
Aperol: No, I just have one question. How did my father die?
Grim: Ah. Well. Justin Delgato was fairly old, so it's not a surprise that he died of overexertion. It's quite common.
Aperol: So it really was a heart attack?
Grim: Yes. But he wouldn't have had one had it not been for Rivella over there.
Rivella: I hear a little birdie calling my name...what are you two discussing?
Pepsi: Oh you're in trou - ooh that snobby bartender's actually pretty fine.
Rivella: Goddammit Mum.
Aperol: How does that work?
Grim: Delgato was in good health for a man of his age, yet he was felled by your mother's...enthusiastic conception of you, dear boy.
Aperol: Wait wh - oh my God.
Grim: Yep. She sexed him to death.
Aperol: I get it. Gross, but I guess there was nothing to be done...so maybe it's not-
Grim: He lay on the floor approximately thirty minutes before I arrived.
Aperol: Oh.
Aperol: Right. OK. Right. Maybe that old ghost was right. Haha this is normal.
Pepsi: Nothing about our family is normal. I'm a clone.
Rivella:...Ah, watching that purple spirit go was so - you're a what?
Pepsi: Forget that.
Rivella: I don't want to, thanks.
Aperol: Oh, but you'd love if I forgot about my father's heart attack?
Rivella: Like I said, a tragic accident-
Aperol: Did you 'accidentally' forget to call an ambulance?
Rivella: Well...well...Cola's a clone!
Pepsi: ...Call me Pepsi.
Aperol: WOW, what a cliche...and now I'm angry about the wrong thing, goddammit!
Pepsi: Can you forgive me?
Rivella: Eh, yeah, I'm more mad at my real mother.
Pepsi: Well it looks like everything's sorted now, let's just go home.
Rivella: This outing is dead.
Aperol: Like my dad!
Pepsi: Low-hanging fruit, boy.
Rivella: He killed himself, I didn't make him do a thing! It was his choice to cheat on his wife with a recent high school grad!
Pepsi: Grinning isn't helping your point here, Riv.
Aperol: You're not even our real grandma! But Mum, please stop smiling. I can't even look you in the eye...
Bellini: Uh, hi, hello, what's all this about clones and death?
Aperol: Our mother's a murderer...well, technically a man-slaughterer.
Bellini: Oh, that's all? Actually kind of cool, Mum, kudos to you.
Aperol: I worry for that boy you were talking to earlier - Johnny?
Bellini: Well don't, he can hold his own.
Aperol: Oh, and our grandma is a clone because our real one ran away before we were born.
Bellini:...That makes less sense.
Rivella: Just like her to do that!
Gin-Fizz: Ugh, I bet she's holed up with Ivy somewhere! Just like her! Some 'mothers' they were!
Sprite: Bellini smells!
Bellini: I couldn't help sweating a bit when I heard the news, OK!
Aperol: I think my life is a lie.
Rivella: Eh, only like 10% of it.
Onyx: Hey guys, I'm back! What's popping?
Sangria, hearing all this from her street-facing nursery: Idk what happened but I'm glad I wasn't there.
Onyx: Oooooh I should not have eaten that dirty squirrel fur.
Bellini: Well this caps off a fantastic evening.
Lux: I can't be BOTHERED-
Rivella:...Can you do that somewhere else then?
The next morning...
Rivella: Oh, he's going to tell them...all of my children will hate me!
Bellini: Oh. Morning Mum. Can you tell me more about this clone shit?
Kezia: Why do we even go out? It never ends well.
Aperol: That is because all of you are nuts.
Rivella: Uh, hi, Appy-
Aperol: Y'all hear something?
Bellini: C'mon bro, you're more creative than that.
Aperol: I found out my life's a lie, Bell, back off!
Rivella: Fine. I'll go. I'll turn away like you've turned on your mother.
Aperol:...How am I in the wrong here?
Bellini: You're not, she's trying to manipulate you lmao.
Aperol: Well thanks for being on my side.
Bellini: Who says I am?
Sprite: Right, I hear there's drama, please tell me. It's for the Insta story.
Kezia: This is private family business, you shouldn't-
Bellini: Oh please Kezia, since when were you so high-and-mighty? Basically, our real Grandma replaced herself with a clone-
Aperol: More importantly, Mum's a man-slaughterer!
Bellini: Duh, she must have been, that's why we all have different dads.
Sprite:...Now, first of all that was excellent drama, thank you very much. Second of all, as far as I'm concerned, we have our real grandma.
Bellini: I guess she might be crappy, but she's better than the one who ran away from her family.
Aperol: But Sprite, Mum-
Bellini: Who was really invested emotionally in Mum anyway? She's been crackers from the start.
Sprite: Lol, Kezia is.
Kezia: She's upset...I was supposed to protect her! I've failed in my duty! What did I travel universes for?
Sangria: Sandwich please, demon-mother!
Rivella: Dammit, I forgot you're a goody-two-shoes. There it is. All of you are gonna hate me.
Sangria: That's a strong world but I will if you don't feed me!
Aperol: Well. It's clear those two are too young to fully grasp the situation. They'll get it when you're older.
Sprite: Aperol, you condescending prick, we can hear you!
Bellini: Plus I get it plenty, crybaby.
Sprite: Oh yeah, he totally was last night.
Kezia: Ugh, looks like we've found the Grenadine of you lot.
Aperol: Oh, San...so young, so innocent. You don't really know what your mother is, do you?
Sangria: I know enough.
San: Must you stare at me like that?
Rivella: My last baby...
San: I better be, there's enough people in this house already!
Pepsi: So...did you hear-
Sprite: Morning clone-ma. I think we've actually got it alright.
Pepsi: That's...nice.
Kezia: I don't know if it's good or bad that the girls were so stoic about all this...
It's bad, Kezia. Definitely bad.
Pepsi: Yeah, you're actually my favourite. You're social like me.
Sprite: I don't feel complimented by that at all.
Pepsi: Take what you can get, kid, you're a middle child after all.
Belini: I think Sprite's right. You're still our grandma, really-
Pepsi: Yeah, sure, Number Four.
Bellini: I'm second-born. Really?! I try to be nice...
Pepsi's got a 'friend' over..
Hawea: Y'know, I think I'm just so prickly and snooty as a defence mechanism...it all started when my mother abandoned-
Pepsi: If you wanna talk mother issues, go speak to my grandson. I'm not here for this.
Hawea:...Alright fine, we can have that steamy shower you talked about then.
Pepsi: Whoa whoa whoa, lemme build up to that a bit.
Third bird feather sculpture. Onyx FTW. Onyx = most productive member of the family right now.
Owl 3: I wish I'd never been born.
Hawea: HEY not the lipstick-!
Pepsi: OK, OK, I'll stay back. We can just get to groping then.
Bellini: Alright alright, I won't interrupt.
Hawea: Why you don't look old enough to be a grandmother!
Bellini: Lol yes she does.
Pepsi: Ah, flattery will get you...well, somewhere tbh.
Bellini: Haha, Grandma's easy.
Bellini: Why are you holding that like a weapon? It's not.
Onyx: Yeah, give me the toy back, please.
Rivella: I need to know where my mother is! That selfish little-
Bellini: Don't ask Pepsi, she's over there propositioning last night's bartender.
Rivella:...At least the last twenty years make more sense now. She was just...a different person.
Onyx: Toy! I don't have all day, there are squirrels to fight!
Pepsi: Hey, could you give us some privacy, heheheh.
Aperol: Why is my life this way.
Hawea: This is w - doesn't matter, getting screwed.
Pepsi: Hell yeah you are sexy.
Aperol:...404 not responding.
I think he's broken. I think last night started breaking him, and whatever this is finished the job.
Aperol: Ay ay captain.
Sangria: Hehe, thanks. Are you gonna tell me about last night? What did Mum do?
Aperol: You and your sisters are a bit too young to understand. Bell and Sprite's response is totally screwed up because they're only kids. I'll tell you as a teenager.
Sangria: But-
Aperol: Candles now, San!
Aperol: That, like most of the last 24 hours, is screwed up.
Sangria: Don't be dramatic. I'll change, OK?
Here is little San as a child. She's the cutest, and also not a damn clone. She has Rivella's eyes, but with a different colour, plus a different face shape, nose and mouth.
She's Creative so I picked the Creative kid aspiration.
Sangria: Wow. Creative.
Shush.
Kristine had her birthday and DAMN she grew up beautiful.
Kristine: I'm not a kid anymore, so I have some actual standards. Let's see what he's got.
I'm trying to get Pepsi's aspiration done so she's on another date.
Pepsi: Let's just get this done.
Hawea: Oh you're such a romantic, aren't you?
Pepsi: Don't be shitty. Remember, you don't need to defend yourself from everything, we talked about your mother.
Kristine: Who am I kidding, I still like this fool - what's going on?
Aperol: Just keep walking.
Meanwhile, Sangria starts her homework.
Sangria: Stop telling me answers, I don't want to cheat.
Bellini: What orphanage were you stolen from?
Onyx: You're not special dude, she's had many before and there'll be many after.
Pepsi: Lol ceiling.
Hawea: Seriously what am I doing here?
Getting Pepsi her gold date, then you can leave.
Sprite: Lol the Watcher's not gonna be happy with you for this one.
Aperol you shit, go make another cake.
Aperol: But Kristine is-
I don't care, go make another cake!
Kristine: Oh, you are so good at art! I love the painted macaroni rainbow.
Bellini: Wow, I'm not over here at Level 8 or anything.
Sangria: Well, thank you, Kristine. It is nice to meet you!
Aperol: See what I mean, last hope for the family.
Kristine: Well don't sell yourself short.
Sprite: Brb going upstairs to vomit.
Rivella: Well at least the children are having their fun WITHOUT ME
Onyx: *doing acrobatics* Stop being so dramatic.
Rivella: Acrobatic? That's you, dark prince!
Onyx: I can see why your children don't like you.
Rivella: Well, flames, you won't abandon me. And you won't die. That makes you my most powerful ally.
Riv, you're scaring me, turn off the burner.
Sangria: Wow! Peace, quiet and beautiful artwork, and - crap, that's Kezia. I'll see how good I am at running!
Kezia: You're bad. Bad at running.
Sangria: OK I just fell, it was a mistake. A slip-up if you know what I mean.
Kezia: It's out of respect for your mother's love for your boring goody-two-shoes little ass that I don't punt you out of the window.
Sangria:...Can you tell me about some paintings then? They're really good!
Kezia:..You mean it? Nobody's ever told me that.
Sangria:: That's terrible! You pay the bills around here and create beauty doing it! You might be weird, Kezia, but you deserve appreciation.
Kezia:...You're not so bad maybe. C'mon, I'll show you the abstracts.
This is Shayne's third wife. Dude really can't keep a relationship.
Also...how is he still alive? He was like halfway through his YA years when he met almost-YA Cola. Y'know, Cola, who's been old for at least a week now.
Alejandra: I'mma show that bitch by TAKING HER TRASH.
I don't think she wants - never mind. Just get rid of it. She'd hate it if you put it in the white kitchen bin.
Alejandra: Neat, will do!
Nicola's also here.
Nicola: My afterlife's as empty as my plate.
Bye Nic.
Berry: I was only playing.
Aperol: You nearly took my whole hand off!
Berry: Mistress has raised a big wimp.
Hi Riv, what are the sparkles for?
Rivella: You know what. Fuck off.
Sangria: Morning Grandma, Kezia!
Kezia: Ugh she's happy again. I cannot deal.
Pepsi: Just tune it out, dear. Tune her out.
Sangria:...Good morning to you too, Sangria. Hi, that's so polite! Yes, things are nice around here.
Pepsi: Well I think we started breaking her.
Will they finish the job, or will Sangria's good nature be sturdy? Only the next chapter(s) will tell.
Kezia: You're terrible at cliffhangers.
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