Deanna: Are you sure you're ready for this, you're only just-
Eirene: Oh my God Mum I'm not a child anymore, just do it! This is what I want!
Deanna: Sigh. All my kids are growing up so fast. At least Mercury is my sweet little boy still.
Eirene: That dickhead? Yeah right. Stop whining and bite me.
Doing that completed Deanna's aspiration.
Barely an hour later Mercury did his. I'm glad the younger kids of this generation managed to accomplish something in childhood.
We're making a run at Whiz Kid even though he probably won't do it.
Deanna: You're still my sweet-
Mercury: Mum shush I'm not a baby anymore, jeez! Let's just play!
Meanwhile the teens skill downstairs.
Dipper: I'm gonna beat your high score Eirene!
Eirene: If he doesn't shut up and turn the volume down on that thing I'll bite him. Y'know, when the fangs come in! Eeee I'm so excited I can't stop reading.
The parents are taking turns playing chess with their brat.
Mercury: Check!
Felix: W - wait, how? I'm confused-
Mercury: Haha. Hey Mum, I'm kicking the old man's ass!
Deanna: Good boy.
Eirene: No, no. My mum's told me about you. 'Ancient plasma senses' my ass, you're just a stalker. I'm buying blackout blinds.
Dipper: It's like this glass...half full, or half empty? Makes you think, doesn't it?
Mercury: No.
Eirene: Soon all of this will be below me.
Mercury: Would y'all shut up, some of us awesome types wanna have a successful life!
Deanna: Aren't you proud of our babies, Felix?
Felix: What's got you so maternal all of a sudden? The answer is no, they're all terrible.
Mercury: Yeah right, you're just mad I beat you in chess.
Orion: Sooo...my new wife might be a lich?
Felix: I'm too old for this shit, you take this De?
Deanna: Uh, haha, hey you still need help with that calculus huh Eirene?
Eirene: Holy shit, no, I understood it two hours ago-
Orion: *sniff* I miss Minerva...
Felix: Greetings and good day, new friends!
Ullal: Who is this clown interrupting our date-
Scarlett: He kinda cute tho.
So Felix, armed with the friendly reward trait and cheerful introductions, is insta-friending people who just happen to be near the house, for his Friend of the World aspiration. If you forgot he had it I do not blame you.
Felix: Heh. I've always known I still got it.
Slow your roll, you have a wife.
Felix: We've been married way too long for Deanna to give me validation.
Brant: That's such a douchey thing to say. But he kinda cute tho.
Back in the house Seph has also swung round for a visit.
Alsephina: Get over it! Or alternatively, stop marrying random older women you know nothing about! It's weird.
Orion: You hypocrite, what about you and J? He's Dad's age!
Deanna: Love the healthy relationships between my children.
Dipper: Yeah. Forget society, just live the beach life, bruuuuhhh...
Alsephina:...How did my sweet baby brother end up like this? What are your excuses?
Mercury: Forget it. He's so free he's stuck up his own ass.
Alsephina: Ooh, I think I like this one.
Felix: Is anybody gonna listen to this story?
Mercury:...Guess I have to.
Dipper: Whatever. How many meals has Eirene had today? Does she have a tapeworm?
Mercury: You're kidding right? You and Dad were in the kitchen when it happened!
Later...
Brant, who was just Deanna's victim: Hey little guy, want me to draw you diagrams of all those fun compounds you're using?
Mercury: I'm already yawning, dude.
Eirene: Do this somewhere else, guys.
I don't even know, I just looked in this room, and Mercury was engaged in a boring conversation.
Vlad: Ah, these familiar windows. Strange to actually be invited over.
STALKER.
Vlad: Ah, Deanna. My pretty little prodigy.
Deanna: Still happily married, shush and go outside. You're only here to help train me up to Grand Master. And don't talk to my daughter again.
Vlad: She is one of us-
Deanna: She's creeped out by you is what she is. I'll do the basics with her, you can butt out.
Vlad: How do you stay married to him, dear? He's an imbecile. And so weak.
Deanna: Don't do anything to my husband, Vlad.
Vlad: Or what, you'll kill my wife? Nice try, I don't even care-
Deanna:...No, you sociopath. I'd just kick your ass. Why did you bring killing into this conversation?
Felix: Ah, she's such a badass. Wish she told me I was pretty though.
Deanna: Take this you anaemic Megamind looking headass!
Vlad: It's a good movie, fuck off!
Aaaand she trounced him. Good on ya De.
Deanna: I'm not the killing type. But I'm sick of you. So get off my lot.
Vlad: Well at least I got a good view in. This is a good dark form outfit for you, my dear.
Deanna: Don't push me.
Alsephina and J adopted a baby that was named Guy. I got to change the last name so I assumed Sutherland. And I was right(ish).
Mercury: How are we feeling today, dear sister?
Eirene: Like hot garbage! Don't look so happy about that either! Go sit somewhere else you little brat!
Mercury: I hope you remember that everything - EVERYTHING - in this house is my birthright. I own that table, and your sixth meal of the day or whatever-
Eirene: It's my first, BRAT!
Felix: Little shit trampled on my lilies...
Mercury: I told you I needed to borrow your hair gel. You knew the consequences. Bye now, don't wanna miss the bus!
Felix:...Respect, kid.
Felix no.
After school...
Eirene: Psh, 'read a cookbook', 'learn fire safety.' Cooking is about inspiration and spontaneity!
And not burning the house down.
Eirene: I won't. Probably.
Eirene: MUM it's happening, I'm finally becoming a -
Deanna: Ooh this article is so interesting!
Eirene: Seriously?
Deanna: Sorry dear. My degree is important. Come join us in the homework session now that those pesky transformative effects are all over, mmk?
Dipper: I thought you wanted to be above all this stuff, huh lil sis?
Eirene: Yeah, I did...vampires don't have to do homework!
Deanna: What am I doing? You think a mansion will just fall into your lap without hard work?
Eirene: That's what Merc's getting.
Mercury: You look like a llama! Llama face!
Eirene: Why are you such a little brat?! I'll bite you, I will, I swear to-
Mercury: TRY ME BITCH
Deanna: I want a personal study.
Deanna still needs to do combat. So she's gonna unfairly fight her daughter, who is literally just a fledgling.
Vela: Fledgling, schmedgling, I'm gonna kick your ass Mum!
Deanna: *growl*
I am trying to have Mercury do Whiz Kid. So he's gonna stay up all night and skill, as well as have the day off school tomorrow.
Mercury: No, my beautiful little face!
Deanna: I did warn you. Sorry dear. You put up a good fight.
Vela: Well I'm sorry I gouged out a chunk of your arm. That wasn't necessary. It was fun, but not necessary.
Deanna: Ah, that's OK dear. I'll just quickly fly to the hospital.
Deanna: Oh, my second guest has arrived. Paolo, you're killing it on violin. Killing my ears, that is. Shall we fight now?
Paolo: No, hang on I'm getting the hang of this.
Deanna: Stop playing or it will not be a friendly spar.
Eirene: It's still not fair that Mercury gets everything, that little brat!
Vela: I know, right. I think about that every damn day. We could just kill him.
Eirene:...You're freaking me out now, sis.
Deanna: Great fight. Go home now, Paolo.
Paolo: Well can't I stay and talk to this lovely-
Vela: Dude. No.
Deanna: Please don't mack on my married daughter, Paolo. Get out.
Vela: I mean that's not the problem. He's just not cute.
Felix finally wakes up.
Felix: I feel like a lot happened while I was asleep. Isn't this my legacy?
Felix: Raaaargghhhh I had nine kids why!
This is why you don't show up anymore. Seriously, I leave you alone for one second.
Dipper: So, lil dude, considering we're the only ones in this house without a foot in the grave-
Mercury: We've known for a long time you're beneath me, imbecile. Go now.
I kind of miss the crush of children returning sometimes.
Dipper: Sis, vampires still need to shower.
Eirene: Shut up!
FUCKS SAKE Aldebaran.
You don't even live here, you have minus 1 right to destroy our stuff!
Aldebaran: Minus one?
Because if you lived here, you'd still have ZERO.
Eirene: Away with you, tiny mortal. I am above such creatures like yourself.
Mercury: Bitch I'm still getting your room.
De and Felix are still in love with each other.
Felix: Yeah, this is getting rid of that tension-
Well, they can still stand each other at the very least.
Deanna: If he thinks he can tug me around he's got another thing coming.
Felix's fingers: *wiggle*
Deanna: Wow he has gotten old and weak. I mean, I don't feel an iota of exhaustion!
Felix: *puff, pant* What, no. I'm not tired. In fact, let's go lift some weights!
Felix: What's up, young ones? How are my...kids?
Dipper: Just chilling, brah.
Eirene: Say our names, Dad, and then maybe I'll talk to you.
Felix:...I wanna say Louise?
Dipper: Well shit sis. The old man's finally losing it.
Eirene: Ooh, I've been waiting for this day!
Felix:...Really? That's cold.
Dipper: OK, Dad. Let's test you! Uhhh...what's 5 times 5?
Deanna: Sorry, son, it's not personal. I just really need to level up.
Felix: Oh, thank God. I guess she really does love me.
Eirene: She explicitly said..oh never mind, do you actually know the answer?
Felix: Twenty-five obviously. I'm as sharp as ever!
Eirene: The hallucination halo around your head says otherwise.
Dipper:...Seriously, it's ten! Damn Dad!
Eirene: Are you proud of your son?
Felix: I don't know if proud could describe it...but I definitely like him less now.
Deanna: Huh, should I really be fucking around with the boy's brain? He's already got it bad enough.
Mercury, who's been sleeping in his parents' bed for extra energy gain: I was gonna ask but now I don't wanna.
Eirene: Dipper. Dipper who failed you. Ten?!
Dipper: Hush I'm talking to my new friend. I call her Mabel.
Deanna: *juggling bottles of oil*
Mercury: Suck it Bob! You lose!
Deanna: Sometimes I feel like I should be more worried than I actually am...
Mercury: No, you're the loser, Bob! I will throw out of the windows of MY manse!
Deanna:...but then I'm like, insanity, schminsanity, I've seen it all.
Deanna: *sigh* You and your juice boxes. I've gotta get you a regular human contact.
Eirene: Oh, Mother, I'm just not comfortable with nonconsensual drinking from-
Deanna: What did you think being a vampire entailed, Eirene?
Eirene: More eyeliner? Clout? Being cool?
Deanna: ...I mean, at least there's Vela to carry on my legacy.
My boy Mercury did it. Sure, he's slept six hours in the past two days (thanks, sleep replacement) and we have literal hours until he grows up, but he did it.
I'm very proud.
And a few hours later Deanna finally maxed out vampirism. Now she just has to stay alive for 18 more days. Should be easy.
And if this doesn't come to fruition I'mma be fucking devastated.
Eirene: Just need my good snacc...what's that sparking? Ooh, and I'm hot.
Go inside please.
And it's Mercury's teen birthday, finally, but he's extremely tired so he gets to nap.
Mercury: I'mma get dirt all over Dad's side of the bed.
Mercury: So I guess this is my birthday.
Deanna: I don't have all day, Merc, I need to enrol for next semester so-
Dipper: These fish and chips are soggy and it's kind of killing my vibe.
Deanna: They've been at the back of the fridge for a week Dipper, what'd you expect?
Mercury: Sigh. Happy birthday to me. Let's just do this.
Deanna: Thank you, Mercury. There's a reason you're my favourite.
Dipper:...Thanks Mum.
Deanna: Haha. Nice hairbow Merc!
Dipper: Yeah that makes me feel better about the lack of love in this household. Oh, and the soggy fish and chips.
Mercury:...Get me to a dresser.
Mercury: This is better. Kind of.
Deanna: Who are you trying to talk to? Everybody left.
Mercury:...Thanks Mum.
Merc here is now Erratic and Mean. He has the Curator aspiration, which means I'm going to cure him of his vampirism.
Mercury: Whatever.
But before that, it's time to age up lil Chase Bheeda, Mercury'sonly friend and future husband. He has zero days left anyway so why not move this along?
Dipper: Sigh, my brother really is an asshole. I hope you know what you're in for when you guys get married or something, little dude.
Chase: When we what now?
Chase: Damn I grew up NICE!
Mercury: You're styled like me, but worse.
Dipper: What a beautiful start to this relationship.
Doing that completed Deanna's aspiration.
Barely an hour later Mercury did his. I'm glad the younger kids of this generation managed to accomplish something in childhood.
We're making a run at Whiz Kid even though he probably won't do it.
Deanna: You're still my sweet-
Mercury: Mum shush I'm not a baby anymore, jeez! Let's just play!
Meanwhile the teens skill downstairs.
Dipper: I'm gonna beat your high score Eirene!
Eirene: If he doesn't shut up and turn the volume down on that thing I'll bite him. Y'know, when the fangs come in! Eeee I'm so excited I can't stop reading.
The parents are taking turns playing chess with their brat.
Mercury: Check!
Felix: W - wait, how? I'm confused-
Mercury: Haha. Hey Mum, I'm kicking the old man's ass!
Deanna: Good boy.
Eirene: No, no. My mum's told me about you. 'Ancient plasma senses' my ass, you're just a stalker. I'm buying blackout blinds.
Dipper: It's like this glass...half full, or half empty? Makes you think, doesn't it?
Mercury: No.
Eirene: Soon all of this will be below me.
Mercury: Would y'all shut up, some of us awesome types wanna have a successful life!
Deanna: Aren't you proud of our babies, Felix?
Felix: What's got you so maternal all of a sudden? The answer is no, they're all terrible.
Mercury: Yeah right, you're just mad I beat you in chess.
Orion: Sooo...my new wife might be a lich?
Felix: I'm too old for this shit, you take this De?
Deanna: Uh, haha, hey you still need help with that calculus huh Eirene?
Eirene: Holy shit, no, I understood it two hours ago-
Orion: *sniff* I miss Minerva...
Felix: Greetings and good day, new friends!
Ullal: Who is this clown interrupting our date-
Scarlett: He kinda cute tho.
So Felix, armed with the friendly reward trait and cheerful introductions, is insta-friending people who just happen to be near the house, for his Friend of the World aspiration. If you forgot he had it I do not blame you.
Felix: Heh. I've always known I still got it.
Slow your roll, you have a wife.
Felix: We've been married way too long for Deanna to give me validation.
Brant: That's such a douchey thing to say. But he kinda cute tho.
Back in the house Seph has also swung round for a visit.
Alsephina: Get over it! Or alternatively, stop marrying random older women you know nothing about! It's weird.
Orion: You hypocrite, what about you and J? He's Dad's age!
Deanna: Love the healthy relationships between my children.
Dipper: Yeah. Forget society, just live the beach life, bruuuuhhh...
Alsephina:...How did my sweet baby brother end up like this? What are your excuses?
Mercury: Forget it. He's so free he's stuck up his own ass.
Alsephina: Ooh, I think I like this one.
Felix: Is anybody gonna listen to this story?
Mercury:...Guess I have to.
Dipper: Whatever. How many meals has Eirene had today? Does she have a tapeworm?
Mercury: You're kidding right? You and Dad were in the kitchen when it happened!
Later...
Brant, who was just Deanna's victim: Hey little guy, want me to draw you diagrams of all those fun compounds you're using?
Mercury: I'm already yawning, dude.
Eirene: Do this somewhere else, guys.
I don't even know, I just looked in this room, and Mercury was engaged in a boring conversation.
Vlad: Ah, these familiar windows. Strange to actually be invited over.
STALKER.
Vlad: Ah, Deanna. My pretty little prodigy.
Deanna: Still happily married, shush and go outside. You're only here to help train me up to Grand Master. And don't talk to my daughter again.
Vlad: She is one of us-
Deanna: She's creeped out by you is what she is. I'll do the basics with her, you can butt out.
Vlad: How do you stay married to him, dear? He's an imbecile. And so weak.
Deanna: Don't do anything to my husband, Vlad.
Vlad: Or what, you'll kill my wife? Nice try, I don't even care-
Deanna:...No, you sociopath. I'd just kick your ass. Why did you bring killing into this conversation?
Felix: Ah, she's such a badass. Wish she told me I was pretty though.
Deanna: Take this you anaemic Megamind looking headass!
Vlad: It's a good movie, fuck off!
Aaaand she trounced him. Good on ya De.
Deanna: I'm not the killing type. But I'm sick of you. So get off my lot.
Vlad: Well at least I got a good view in. This is a good dark form outfit for you, my dear.
Deanna: Don't push me.
Alsephina and J adopted a baby that was named Guy. I got to change the last name so I assumed Sutherland. And I was right(ish).
Mercury: How are we feeling today, dear sister?
Eirene: Like hot garbage! Don't look so happy about that either! Go sit somewhere else you little brat!
Mercury: I hope you remember that everything - EVERYTHING - in this house is my birthright. I own that table, and your sixth meal of the day or whatever-
Eirene: It's my first, BRAT!
Felix: Little shit trampled on my lilies...
Mercury: I told you I needed to borrow your hair gel. You knew the consequences. Bye now, don't wanna miss the bus!
Felix:...Respect, kid.
Felix no.
After school...
Eirene: Psh, 'read a cookbook', 'learn fire safety.' Cooking is about inspiration and spontaneity!
And not burning the house down.
Eirene: I won't. Probably.
Eirene: MUM it's happening, I'm finally becoming a -
Deanna: Ooh this article is so interesting!
Eirene: Seriously?
Deanna: Sorry dear. My degree is important. Come join us in the homework session now that those pesky transformative effects are all over, mmk?
Dipper: I thought you wanted to be above all this stuff, huh lil sis?
Eirene: Yeah, I did...vampires don't have to do homework!
Deanna: What am I doing? You think a mansion will just fall into your lap without hard work?
Eirene: That's what Merc's getting.
Mercury: You look like a llama! Llama face!
Eirene: Why are you such a little brat?! I'll bite you, I will, I swear to-
Mercury: TRY ME BITCH
Deanna: I want a personal study.
Deanna still needs to do combat. So she's gonna unfairly fight her daughter, who is literally just a fledgling.
Vela: Fledgling, schmedgling, I'm gonna kick your ass Mum!
Deanna: *growl*
I am trying to have Mercury do Whiz Kid. So he's gonna stay up all night and skill, as well as have the day off school tomorrow.
Mercury: No, my beautiful little face!
Deanna: I did warn you. Sorry dear. You put up a good fight.
Vela: Well I'm sorry I gouged out a chunk of your arm. That wasn't necessary. It was fun, but not necessary.
Deanna: Ah, that's OK dear. I'll just quickly fly to the hospital.
Deanna: Oh, my second guest has arrived. Paolo, you're killing it on violin. Killing my ears, that is. Shall we fight now?
Paolo: No, hang on I'm getting the hang of this.
Deanna: Stop playing or it will not be a friendly spar.
Eirene: It's still not fair that Mercury gets everything, that little brat!
Vela: I know, right. I think about that every damn day. We could just kill him.
Eirene:...You're freaking me out now, sis.
Deanna: Great fight. Go home now, Paolo.
Paolo: Well can't I stay and talk to this lovely-
Vela: Dude. No.
Deanna: Please don't mack on my married daughter, Paolo. Get out.
Vela: I mean that's not the problem. He's just not cute.
Felix finally wakes up.
Felix: I feel like a lot happened while I was asleep. Isn't this my legacy?
Felix: Raaaargghhhh I had nine kids why!
This is why you don't show up anymore. Seriously, I leave you alone for one second.
Dipper: So, lil dude, considering we're the only ones in this house without a foot in the grave-
Mercury: We've known for a long time you're beneath me, imbecile. Go now.
I kind of miss the crush of children returning sometimes.
Dipper: Sis, vampires still need to shower.
Eirene: Shut up!
FUCKS SAKE Aldebaran.
You don't even live here, you have minus 1 right to destroy our stuff!
Aldebaran: Minus one?
Because if you lived here, you'd still have ZERO.
Eirene: Away with you, tiny mortal. I am above such creatures like yourself.
Mercury: Bitch I'm still getting your room.
De and Felix are still in love with each other.
Felix: Yeah, this is getting rid of that tension-
Well, they can still stand each other at the very least.
Deanna: If he thinks he can tug me around he's got another thing coming.
Felix's fingers: *wiggle*
Deanna: Wow he has gotten old and weak. I mean, I don't feel an iota of exhaustion!
Felix: *puff, pant* What, no. I'm not tired. In fact, let's go lift some weights!
Felix: What's up, young ones? How are my...kids?
Dipper: Just chilling, brah.
Eirene: Say our names, Dad, and then maybe I'll talk to you.
Felix:...I wanna say Louise?
Dipper: Well shit sis. The old man's finally losing it.
Eirene: Ooh, I've been waiting for this day!
Felix:...Really? That's cold.
Dipper: OK, Dad. Let's test you! Uhhh...what's 5 times 5?
Deanna: Sorry, son, it's not personal. I just really need to level up.
Felix: Oh, thank God. I guess she really does love me.
Eirene: She explicitly said..oh never mind, do you actually know the answer?
Felix: Twenty-five obviously. I'm as sharp as ever!
Eirene: The hallucination halo around your head says otherwise.
Dipper:...Seriously, it's ten! Damn Dad!
Eirene: Are you proud of your son?
Felix: I don't know if proud could describe it...but I definitely like him less now.
Deanna: Huh, should I really be fucking around with the boy's brain? He's already got it bad enough.
Mercury, who's been sleeping in his parents' bed for extra energy gain: I was gonna ask but now I don't wanna.
Eirene: Dipper. Dipper who failed you. Ten?!
Dipper: Hush I'm talking to my new friend. I call her Mabel.
Deanna: *juggling bottles of oil*
Mercury: Suck it Bob! You lose!
Deanna: Sometimes I feel like I should be more worried than I actually am...
Mercury: No, you're the loser, Bob! I will throw out of the windows of MY manse!
Deanna:...but then I'm like, insanity, schminsanity, I've seen it all.
Deanna: *sigh* You and your juice boxes. I've gotta get you a regular human contact.
Eirene: Oh, Mother, I'm just not comfortable with nonconsensual drinking from-
Deanna: What did you think being a vampire entailed, Eirene?
Eirene: More eyeliner? Clout? Being cool?
Deanna: ...I mean, at least there's Vela to carry on my legacy.
My boy Mercury did it. Sure, he's slept six hours in the past two days (thanks, sleep replacement) and we have literal hours until he grows up, but he did it.
I'm very proud.
And a few hours later Deanna finally maxed out vampirism. Now she just has to stay alive for 18 more days. Should be easy.
And if this doesn't come to fruition I'mma be fucking devastated.
Eirene: Just need my good snacc...what's that sparking? Ooh, and I'm hot.
Go inside please.
And it's Mercury's teen birthday, finally, but he's extremely tired so he gets to nap.
Mercury: I'mma get dirt all over Dad's side of the bed.
Mercury: So I guess this is my birthday.
Deanna: I don't have all day, Merc, I need to enrol for next semester so-
Dipper: These fish and chips are soggy and it's kind of killing my vibe.
Deanna: They've been at the back of the fridge for a week Dipper, what'd you expect?
Mercury: Sigh. Happy birthday to me. Let's just do this.
Deanna: Thank you, Mercury. There's a reason you're my favourite.
Dipper:...Thanks Mum.
Deanna: Haha. Nice hairbow Merc!
Dipper: Yeah that makes me feel better about the lack of love in this household. Oh, and the soggy fish and chips.
Mercury:...Get me to a dresser.
Mercury: This is better. Kind of.
Deanna: Who are you trying to talk to? Everybody left.
Mercury:...Thanks Mum.
Merc here is now Erratic and Mean. He has the Curator aspiration, which means I'm going to cure him of his vampirism.
Mercury: Whatever.
But before that, it's time to age up lil Chase Bheeda, Mercury's
Dipper: Sigh, my brother really is an asshole. I hope you know what you're in for when you guys get married or something, little dude.
Chase: When we what now?
Chase: Damn I grew up NICE!
Mercury: You're styled like me, but worse.
Dipper: What a beautiful start to this relationship.
Mercury: I'm the heir! Why do I have the bath with the bum tap?
So Deanna is just perfect.
Look at this. She's perfect.
Mercury: This treatment is unacceptable, so I will steal this drink - Dipper get away from him.
Dipper: Yeah, as a kid I used to clean the potty after he used it.
Chase: Haha really?
Mercury: What the fuck did I just drink?
Chase: OK, I don't need details - Mercury come get rid of your weird brother!
Mercury: Coming, gimme a second!
Chase: Hey there, looking good bro!
Mercury: I have enough brothers, Chase.
Chase: Sorry, Merc. What happened to you there anyway?
Mercury: Well I just felt my fangs retract so I think I just cured myself of vampirism.
Chase: You can do that by accident?
Mercury: Apparently so.
Chase: Well you still look good as ever, Merc.
Mercury: Well, of course.
Chase:...Dude.
Mercury: Right, I mean me too. You too.
Mercury: You were right last week, he does look my grandfather.
Chase: HA! So anyway, about us looking good-
Eirene: Rawr XD!
What are you doing?
Eirene: Dammit, now I'll have to take another video for the forums, gawd-dammit.
Chase: Well I do like your brother but your family are very strange. Like I keep hearing about how this is destiny and...we only just aged up, I'm not ready for that.
Dipper: I feel that, brah.
Chase:...Do you?
Dipper: Well, it's hard to pick what beach to go to when I cut class - sorry what?
Chase: Why am I even talking to you about this.
Downstairs, we have a beautiful example of father-son bonding.
Mercury: He wishes.
Felix: Do I?
Mercury: If it weren't for me you'd need more kids.
Felix: Look I'm happy you exist but I don't actually like you.
Mercury:...Well! I guess when one's wrinkly ass is about to DIE they don't have a lot of tact left!
Dipper: I just *sniff* feel really alone and unappreciated around here.
Chase: Oh no, yeah, that sucks so hard dude...*mutters* How do I get in these situations?
Happened the day you befriended Mercury.
Mercury: Hey sis, you seen Chase?
Eirene: Why should I help you?
Mercury: Think of it as helping Chase, you know what this place is like.
Eirene: Right. Well. I saw him talking to Dipper in the bathroom.
Mercury: Aw fuck, really?
Eirene: I think Dipper locked the door.
Alsephina Yeah, no. I don't even why I bothered.
Dipper: I just said you were lookin' thiccer! ...Wait are you pregnant?
Alsephina: Actually, no! You'll understand when you hit thirty. Most importantly I'm, your sister!
Chase: Well, Merc, it's been ...it's been, that's all I can say. Curfew calls, so I'll have to go.
Mercury: OK, OK, will you come back tomorrow or...
Chase: Is that desperation I spy?
Mercury: What? No!
Chase: Relax, I'm messing with you. I'll be here.
Eirene: Well. Good luck with my brother.
Chase: Trust me I already know I'll need it.
Mercury: Is that Dipper bricking it in front of the school doors while everyone laughs?
Eirene: You bet your ass it is.
Mercury: Nice. Maybe I'll enjoy high school after all.
Eirene: Yeah..as long as things don't go south with Chase.
Mercury: As if they would!
I mean, probably not. Just remember to check yourself before you wreck yourself, Mercury.
Mercury: Lol tiny dig site diagrams.
(He's learning archaeology)
Mercury: And I'll be like 'Daaaaarrr! We're in love and stuff now!'
Good God, the boy is hopeless.
Meanwhile Deanna disturbs the slumber of her least favourite son.
Deanna: Yes, and I'm not ashamed to admit it!
Your good trait lies sometimes, woman.
Deanna: I think it's quite noble to crusade against douchebags.
You raised this one tho.
Deanna: Shush we don't have to talk about that part.
Deanna: You and your juiceboxes! I can't even look.
Eirene: That's rich, after all the draining we saw as kids!
Deanna: Hey, I did that outside the house like a lady.
Eirene: We have windows.
Again with the seating. This family is oh-so-close, aren't they?
Deanna: Heard you renounced your natural-born gift, son.
Mercury: It was an accident!...But I think I'm happier this way. I can swing on the swings with Chase and it'll be cute and shit.
Felix NO, you're like 75.
Felix: Just a little bit?
Dipper: I hate you all! I slept like shit because of you and Mum!
Eirene: Oh dear, look at that window. All of my fucks just flew out of it!
Dipper: Well let's see if DAD will do anything about it! He is the patriarch around here after all.
Deanna: No, I'm the matriarch and he is my consort.
Eirene: I'm definitely gonna watch this go down.
Deanna: Good luck, son.
Felix:...Right, so you can't sleep. Get a nightlight then! Or don't, you're too old to be scared of the dark.
Dipper: Really! Were you even listening to me?
Felix: Why would I do that? Now piss off, I'm working.
Eirene, just offscreen: *snicker*
Felix has invited someone over for Deanna's breakfast.
Mario: You're a pretty thing, aren't you?
Felix: Hey, that's my daughter.
Mario:...So she's off the market.
Eirene: I'm fifteen...can we get Mum on him, please?
Felix: Already on it, dear.
I think we all agree this dude deserves what's coming to him.
Mercury: *texting* Hi...just woke up..looking forward to seeing you. Wait, no-
He woke up flirty so yeah. I think he's excited for school.
Deanna: Good riddance, asshole.
He's not dead.
Deanna: Well he will be if he comes near my daughter again...Eirene I mean. The others can make their decisions, though I have seriously failed if this is the kind of man they choose.
There's a lot wrong with this.
Deanna: Note to self, it's never just a cigarette with that back row!
Alsephina: Finally. A face-to-face with my parents' perfect heir.
Mercury: I am perfect. That's why I'm demonstrating what you should do in my presence.
Alsephina: How does this schtick work out for you?
Alsephina: Ahahaha! Yes! All that attention. I don't know what's like! Ahahahaha!
Mercury: Is she alright?
Deanna: Oh ignore her, she didn't get enough attention as a child.
Alsephina: Well you raised this, bitch!
Deanna: Shush.
Chase: Oh Eirene, how will I recover from biffing it in the cafeteria queue? Spaghetti everywhere! It was such a humiliation.
Eirene: OK, you're being way too dramatic, and besides, Mercury didn't even see you.
Chase: Really?
Eirene: Yeah, he was too busy checking himself out in the window.
Mercury: Ah...thank you, Chase. This was worth giving up eternal life for.
Chase: Wow that was actually really sweet, Merc, you're welcome.
Mercury: Well, I could ask my mum any time but yeah.
Chase: Eh, that's still a lot coming from you.
Deanna: Ooooh yeah, it's happening.
Chase: This is awkward.
Dipper: Yeah Mum, go and ruin his love life!
Alsephina and J adopted another son.
Alsephina: I always wanted a large family despite my upbringing. But I think there's enough of our genes in this world.
Deanna:...Get your ass off me.
Eirene: What if your ass is on me?
Deanna: Whatever. Just get away from there, the boys are showering and you might hear something.
Eirene: Oh please, like they have girlfr- ohhh.
Felix: Y'know, those sunglasses are actually kinda-
Deanna: Don't you say it.
Felix: Awesome.
Dipper: Wow, thanks.
Mercury: Um? I'm right here?
Felix: Hush Mercury, we're not talking about you.
Mercury: Is this how the others feel all the time? Yikes.
So 2/3 after-school visits, Chase has been flirty. I feel like this might be a sign.
Mercury: Hello handsome.
Chase: Hi there yourself, Merc.
Mercury: Oh God oh God oh God am I really gonna do this?
Chase: Nervous there, Merc?
Mercury: What, nope, why would I be nervous? I'm cool as shit.
Chase: Yeah, we've discussed this.
Chase: I'm messing with you. Come here. But I think that might be what you need...someone who won't put up with your shit, Merc. Like we're close and I like you very much but, damn.
Mercury: Maybe you're right...
Chase: Maybe you could - OMG!
Mercury: Wait, was that-
Chase: Nope, no. It was good, it was...amazing. I really like you.
Mercury: Heheheh...who wouldn't?
Chase: Really Merc?
Mercury: I'm sorry I panicked!
Dipper: Huh, I guess my little bro had his first kiss. Not like I'm thinking about that or anything...
Were you watching through that window?
Dipper:...No?
De and Felix are in the kitchen acting like any other couple who's been together for fifty years, so who is...
Oh, already?
Yeah these two are a good match methinks.
Mercury: God, Watcher, get out!
Eirene: Do we know you?
Sri: Is this Deanna? I hear she's a vampire-
Eirene: Wel so am I! And I'm just as good as her!
Sri: Well, you see, Deanna is a master and you're what, sixteen?
Eirene: Maybe!
Mercury: Ooh, little sis, got yourself a man?
Eirene: Hardly.
Sri: I'm a married man in my thirties...get your hand off mine.
Eirene: Sorry about him, Sri, he's very gay.
Mercury: As if I'd go for him. An accidental touch, good sir.
Eirene: Yeah you kind of do look like a potato. Merc has a very cute boyfriend. Seriously, I heard them going at it in the shower today.
Sri: I...don't care? Can I please just see Deanna?
Deanna: Heard you were looking for me?
Sri: Uh, yeah. Hi, Deanna-
Deanna: Well you're not gonna remember any of this.
Deanna: Is he alive...*kicks*. Yup. I'll just do my homework then.
The next morning, Deanna attempts bonding with her least loved-son.
Deanna: Oh darling, I do mean it! I want to be a better mother and get to know you.
Dipper:...You've had nearly eighteen years. And if you cared so much, why are we still sat like this?
Deanna:...It's that cologne. I'm sorry, it's terrible, and my vampiric nose can't take it. This is torture for me, Dipper. You're killing your mother!
Dipper: Wow, thanks, great chat Mum.
Eirene:..I just walked in on Dipper taking a shit.
Mercury: Well you didn't have to spread your suffering, sis!
Eirene: This is Chase falling over. You still like him after seeing that, right?
Mercury:...Of course! But if you film his worst moments again I'll slap you!
Eirene: Oooohhh, you just try to do that. I'm a vampire. Flesh like diamond.
Felix: ACHOO! Screw you Reggie!
Mercury: It's a good thing I've got you, Mum. Old man's going senile.
Deanna: At least one of my children appreciates me.
Deanna: Hey, maybe I could-
Absolutely not. You had nine tries to get it right.
We're at the park so Mercury can collect collectibles.
Clint: You're pretty fly for an old guy.
Felix: Why, thanks, good sir-
Deanna: Hey, Clint, aren't you in Eirene's grade?
Felix: But he's bald!
Clint: What's that got to do with it? I just said you were hot.
Felix: OH, okay, thanks-
Deanna: Just step away, darling.
Aldebaran, whispering: Mum...why is he here, I was having a great time playing chess by myself-
Deanna: Just ignore him, dear. Smile and nod.
Dipper: So bishop moves straight and - aha! Strike! I take all four of those pieces.
Deanna: Stop whining, Al, you're thirty-five.
Jayden: -so yeah. I just find a spot at this park and curl up.
Felix" You remind me of my eldest daughter. Tucana? She's also a reject of society.
Justin: You're really gonna take that, huh Park Lady?
Jayden: I've heard worse. Plus, I know Tucana. She sleeps here when she fights with her husband.
Felix: That''s my girl.
Chase: He really thought he could come to the park without me? This is our place!
He's busy, you stalker.
This kid is adorable. He's the progeny of Liberty Lee and one of the Sulani mermaids. It's a while off, but I'm feeling Gen 3 baby daddy? Even if he'll be a lot older.
Joseph: Away with ye, walk the plank! Girls have cooties!
Phoebe: Even me?
Joseph: That's a stupid place to make out. I'm gone.
You never know, kid, they could be your fathers-in-law one day.
Joseph:..Right, I'm definitely out.
Mercury: Seriously? This is my show.
Technically it's Felix's.
Chase: Who's he? Oh, also, if you're excited to see me, you can move your hands.
Mercury: I just need to piss OK!
Comments
Post a Comment